Sunset

It’s a beautiful show of nature created by God

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Maybe, I am wrong

Maybe, I am wrong. Maybe, I am not someone that I have thought or believed. Maybe, I lied to myself about who I am. Maybe, the real me is like a scar that makes me feel the pain that I will never can bear so I have denied it for all this time.

Yeah, maybe. Maybe, I am just too confuse with all these sudden changes and not ready to face it so I make an excuse to makes my self better.

I’d wish, I will not late to be ready when I am ready.

It’s my weakness

What’s make me feel anxious? Hmmm…it’s a embarrassing thing and maybe my weakness point but yeah, you can think of this as a confession. Maybe I have a greater anxiety than other people do. Then, what’s make me feel anxious? It is a rejection. I always feel anxious whenever I ask something to someone or try new things. I don’t know why I feel anxious, it doesn’t like I’ve never been rejected. Eventhough it’s not my first trial, still I feel the anxiety. Because of my anxiety, I always try to prepare everything before I do something. That’s why, I don’t really like with any changes in my life. I like an orderliness and of course rules.

Eventhough I always anxious with everything, please don’t assume me as a neurotic person. I am not, maybe. I can still handle my anxiety. Yeah, it maybe just obstruct my self to try new things and makes me too slow in making decisions. Hehehe

Meaning of life is on everyone’s life

This post should have posted yesterday, but yeah maybe I was too lazy to make it yesterday. The topic was about meaning of life. It was a serious topic and I have thought about it all day, but I couldn’t find any idea about it. So, I will make it short and a little bit philosopical or maybe nonsense.

Victor Frankl said, those who have a ‘why’ to live, can bear with almost any ‘how’. ‘Why’ to live as said by Frankl can be interpreted as meaning of life and maybe most of us refer it as life goals. Before, I had thought that meaning of life was about life goals because it drives us to move forward, but today I realized that meaning of life was not about it. It may bigger than life goals but it’s not wrong if you will say that it smaller than life goals. In my opinion, meaning of life is not something that we can mention it clearly like we mention our life goals. It is something that live freely in our life. It’s like the air that fill the empty spaces. It is something that will fill the empty spaces in our life, so we will never feel that there is an empty space in our life or we will feel that our life is empty. It is something that always makes you doing something meaningful even for a small action. Have a meaningful life doesn’t mean that we have to be an extraordinary but it’s enough with us to be a responsible person for our lives. Meaning of life is in everyone’s life, it waits to be found

Because I promised I’ll make it short then I’ll end it here. As a closing, Frankl also said, Each man is questioned by life and he can only answering to life by answering for his own life. To life, he can only respond by being responsible. So, let’s be responsible with our life.

Memories of my 20s(?)

This post should have posted two days ago, but I had to do something two days ago and I couldn’t write it so, I posted it today. The topic was about most memorable experience. I find it difficult to choose my most memorable experience so, I prefer to tell you about my memorable experiences on my 20s.

Here my memorable experiences on my 20s:

  1. On my sixth semester I had an internship program for college assignment. I decided to do internship in mental hospital. Eventhough my major was psychology, I’d never met people with mental disorder. On my first day, I am totally scared with the patient and I didn’t know what should I did on that time. I didn’t know how I could communicate with them. After several days, I could get along with them and heyyyy….they were just like a normal people. I even accustomed with their symptoms and I was just ooohhhh… because I was not find it as strange thing. Now, maybe I am not afraid again if should face with mental disorder. Actually, not all of people with mental disorder have a threaten symptom. Most of them are like normal people and you don’t have to be afraid with them.
  2. There were days when I spent all day long in library. I usually went to library at 8 am or 9 am and I went home before maghrib or I would stay until the library was closed at 9 pm. Because I went to library almost everyday (even at weekend), the locker keeper would notice me when I went in and went out from library. Sometimes, he would ask me if I already wanted to go home or why I went alone to library and sometimes he gave me support.There was an older locker keeper who always prayed for all students who passed by to graduate soon and be success. There was a day when the heavy rain happened and the light off, but hopefully at that time I was with my friend and we decided to sleep until the light on. But, there was a day when I went to library alone with that situation and I didn’t know what should I did at that time. At that time, I even didn’t bring an umbrella, my cellphone signal was emergency call only, and it’s already 5 pm. I couldn’t go home but I didn’t know what should I do. After 30 minute or an hour, the rain stopped and I walked to bus shelter, but poor me before I reached the bus shelter the rain became heavy again. I stopped because I didn’t want to make myself wet and stood up under the big tree until the rain stopped. During the rain, my mind was drown in rain sound and I thought about many things. Hopefully, when the rain stopped the light on, I got my signal back and then I ordered Gojek to go home.
  3. For the first time in my life, I lost my important thing. I lost my ATM card. It happened after I went back from library and on my way to eat. I stopped at ATM and withdrew my money and then went to food stall to eat with my friends. At that time, I was so tired and hungry because I was on library since morning and I just ate once on canteen library. Because I was not here and right now, I forgot to take my card. I had not realized it and I just ate with my friend happily, until two days or maybe three days later, I have realized that I lost my ATM card. I have habit to take the ATM paper and then save it on my wallet but when I checked the paper on my wallet it was not there. I just could say, finally my worry all this time happened, I lost my important thing.
  4. I was cried on my final exam for my bachelor degree. It was not because the scary thing that might happened in final exam or I was excited to be bachelor, but because…….

Those some of my memorable experiences on my 20s. Hahaha, you may think that my 20s just so ordinary and boring, right? Yeah, maybe life in ordinary style is suitable for me.

Job priority: Salary vs Passion

Let me take a deep breath…

Today’s topic is job priority: salary vs passion. Hmmm… This is a complicated topic and maybe my problem for now. If I have to choose between those two priorities, I don’t know what should I choose. I don’t know what’s my priority and maybe it’s not about those two priorities. It’s about choosing between reality and idealism.

Job with high salary could be the job without my passion on it. Maybe I could find a job easily if I abandon my passion. I am not brave enough to abandon my passion, but I realized it’s not the time to worship my passion. I have to make a living for myself and this is reality. I need money to survive. I know that my parents would not let me starving and give their best for me. They even support me to continue my study and offer me to pay for my tuition. But, I feel bad for them because I still ask for money at my 20s.

My confusion for choosing between salary and passion does not stop even when I choose to continue my study. I should choose between magister of science and magister of professional for my study. My passion is magister of science and I know myself well that I am not good enough to become psychologist. But, it’s more complicate to choose because my parents would gladly if I choose magister of professional and become a psychologist. Since my bachelor life I have known that my parents hope were I became a psychologist.

Okay…back again to job priority: salary vs passion. Rather than choosing between salary and passion I might choose a job that suits my skill and ability. I might choose a job that makes me comfortable enough to stay and be responsible even though it’s not my passion. I know that job with comfort zone would offer less salary but I am still a fresh-graduate now and my priority is to get work atmosphere experience. Hmmm… but still, after the work experiences I don’t know what I should do next. Yeah, let me live my life step by step.

Huft…why adulthood life full of confusions and choices? Can I skip this phase?

My leisure activity

I have several ways to spend my leisure time such as do hand lettering, read books, watch movies, clean my room, bathroom or refrigerator, and of course sleep. Sleep is my number one preference hehehe. I even had slept for more than ten hours a day and after that I had headache. Sometimes sleep is the best activity to refresh mind, but not in too much time.

These days, I often do hand lettering in my leisure time. Honestly, I usually have my favorite activity for certain time period and after I am bored with it I will move to another activities. Fyi, I have many leisure times because everyday is leisure time for me ( I even labeled myself as young and useless).

I like coloring and drawing, but my skill just so so then I chose to do hand lettering. I had learnt fashion sketch before, but then I get bored because I was not good on drawing. I have learnt hand lettering since one year ago and my skill a little bit upgraded. For my first trial I used brush, then drawing pen and now I use water brush. I do hand lettering almost everyday and thanks to hand lettering it helped me to refresh my mind when I got bored with my final assignment. Do hand lettering makes me think positive because I always use positive words such as Quran verses or quotes for my hand lettering.

Here one of my hand lattering. I still learn the basic style.

My plastic usage

In my opinion, plastic usage is the closest environmental issue with our daily life. There’s no day without plastic especially people who have instant life style. Shop in supermarket, food stall, flavored drinks stall, fashion store and other places. All those places use plastic bag to pass the product to the customer.

As customer, I often collect many plastic bags in one day and my basket will full of plastic bags in several days. Then, one day I realized that my basket is filled with plastic bags. At that time I thought I should do something to reduce my plastic usage and an idea came to mind. I bought a tumbler. Why? Because I like ice tea and I often buy it in Angkringan near my boarding house. Almost everyday I buy ice tea using plastic bag and of course plastic straw. After I bought tumbler, I always bring it when I buy ice tea. The first time I brought my tumbler to buy ice tea, it felt strange and all people stared at me like I did something unusual. On the first and second day, I was hesitant to bring my tumbler but after that I have brought it confidently.

Beside bought a tumbler, I also tried to use my bag to bring the goods I buy or my hands if the goods are easy to carry. I like the seller who offers me whether I will use plastic bag or not because I don’t have to stop them to give me plastic bags.

Even I bought a tumbler and used my bag to reduce my plastic usage, I realized that I still have many things to do to live in zero waste plastic bag. There are some places that I don’t know how to not use plastic and I feel weird if I am not using plastic. Some flavored drink stalls sell their products in plastic cup and I don’t know how to tell them to not give me a plastic cup. Hmmmm…maybe I shouldn’t drink flavored drink from stall. And the last I don’t know how to not use plastic bag in supermarket because I can’t use my bag which is putted on deposit counter.

After you read this post, please don’t assume that I try to live in zero waste or be an environmentalist. Because sometimes, I am too lazy to bring tumbler or tell the seller to not give me plastic bag and I still use plastic bag unwise for many things.

I miss my childhood

Am I an adult now? Maybe yes, but I think no. I am still a teenager.

Since I have past 20 years, I felt the world has became wilder. As I am getting older, my mind become complicate. I have been thinking more and more something. What if I do this or that? What’s the consequence? Why those people act like that? What is happiness? What if I become her? Honestly, I miss my simple mind when I was ten. When I thought that everything happened as it looked like. When hidden things were still hidden, and I didn’t think about what happened behind.

Being an adult for me is I can see and feel the things that I have never felt and seen before. All the happy things and maybe sadness when I was child, it was not everything and maybe it was fake. I think that it is reasonable if adult would say to children that it’s not their time yet to understand adult things. Because, it will ruin their simple mind.

When I was ten, I wished I could passed my childhood as fast as possible then became an adult. I wanted to do many things as an adult. I thought became an adult was awesome. But now, HA HA HA I wish I can go back to my childhood and I promise I’ll never wish to pass my childhood as fast as possible. I am not ready for these responsibilities as an adult. Can I go back to my childhood?